yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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