They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
