Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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