I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize