Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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