I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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