maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
