In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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