Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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