I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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