She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
