we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
