my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
