You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
