HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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