My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need a beard to bite.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
