it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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