Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
