I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
