Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
