If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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