i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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