I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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