My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
