I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
