Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I could fuck to npr.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
