You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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