The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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