i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
