Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
