need another drink. this is the easiest way
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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