my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
