Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
