Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
