i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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