so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
