No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
