im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I die, sorry about rent.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
