based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
