That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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