All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm at about main and main street
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
