I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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