i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
