Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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