you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
