omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
