Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
