hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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