if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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