Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
