there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
