i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
