Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm jealous of your bromance
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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