Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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