they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
