She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
