So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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