What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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